Xanga To Blogger, The Gift Of Time

Its tendrils wind within and throughout,
Directing harshly, with laws uncaring
For the automatons under its rule.
Yet emerging thereof,
Having treacherous awareness scaled,
Ever woven in the intricate tapestry –
Fate’s unyielding Over the surging multitude –
Truth.
Following death,
Preceding sorrow,
This naked path so empty and eternal
Echoes a life irretrievable.
And look upon the slaves of lies
Whose ignorance bloats the belly of pride
Surrounded am I
By this dull, quivering life,
Yet alone I stand.
My loves,
My flesh and my blood,
May they all die the same death as I.

This is something I wrote shortly after being discharged from the Army. Such a depressed little creature I was in December of 2004. I still remember pouring out barrels of discontented barf into my old Xanga blog during those years. Wow. That was nearly seven years ago. Time sure flies. Unrelenting, isn't it? It grabs a hold of us from the moment we're given life and pulls us into its eternal march... on, and on it goes, and we have absolutely no choice but to gradually wear out as we're dragged along in its wake.

That is, until the brilliant minds of tomorrow finally discover a way to inhibit decay. Human Preservatives? Seems like it'd be a nice invention. Cross-research in the fields of Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and Food Science. That's the key, I'm telling you. Taxes for Human Preservatives research! Get on it, Obama. Your polls aren't looking so hot, and it's time for a change. Oh, wait – You already used that line. Disregard.

By the way, I think it's only fair to inform anyone who's not yet familiar with me that I enjoy talking about fantastic things, many of which are subjects that I hardly know anything about, simply because they entertain me. Wait until you hear my Post-Revolutionary Poop idea. That'll really blow your hair back... or disgust you. One of the two. Or both, for brownie points. *Cough*

I also enjoy guiding conversations into lengthy tangents until participants are utterly bewildered and/or upset with me for not staying on topic. So before your patience upends itself...

Time brings change. And my, have I changed. A quick synopsis:

I began life as an angry child, regularly beating my siblings, getting into fist fights during school, and maintaining a fierce disrespect for my parents and teachers.


A radical change took place when I started high school and became more involved with my local church. I became a fun-loving socialite, literally living life without a care in the world. My high school years were spent in a thoughtless reverie of fun.

Shortly after high school, I joined the US Army as an Infantryman. Things rapidly took a turn for the worse as I became hardened and fashioned into an instrument of war. The events that I experienced and actively took part in during my military career have accounted for what I believe is irreparable change to my personality... but detailing those events is another story altogether, and one I won't likely share with many people for the remainder of my life.

Suffice it to say that I returned home from the military an apathetic, angst-ridden, belligerent, altogether unpleasant individual. Readjusting to civilian life was difficult. I felt very alone, and hated it, but paradoxically did everything I could to remain that way. Old friends that I had before I joined the military resurfaced in my life, but I cut them off and vigorously stomped their attempts at reconnecting into the dirt. The majority of my old friends stopped trying because, I imagine, they considered me a complete asshole. I don't blame them. I was a cold bastard. Those who stuck around regardless, I'm thankful for. And my family... I'm forever grateful to them. They are the one group of people who have always accepted me no matter what I became, how I acted towards them, or who I was; the one constant source of support in my life. Without their love and acceptance, I would surely have continued my descent to whatever end, down that dark and hateful path of self-destruction.

So now, nearly seven years later, the path to healing is thriving. I feel that I'm now living a productive life. I have very clear goals, and a steadfast desire to see them fulfilled. My ability to maintain healthy relationships has vastly improved (though there's always room for further improvement lol). I'm quitting smoking. I no longer rely on Christianity to supply me with happiness, but I'm making my own way – and it's an empowering experience. However, remnants of the past always remain, and this is where the "irreparable change" I mentioned before comes into play. There are still many moments when I find myself being drawn again towards that familiar darkness, always when I'm reminded of the Army. These are times when I become quiet and withdrawn, and all motivation to socialize, or work, or simply try, seeps out from my being and evaporates into the air. But always, I return. It may take some time, but I manage to make it out.

One of my long-term goals is to be able to think back on these things with a certain measure of impartiality. When I can remember without becoming emotionally and spiritually obliterated, I will have conquered the demon of demons that plagues my soul. Accomplishing this will take some time, but I'm confident that it is within reach.

I will beat it... so long as time allows.

-R